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The Incompleat Self Spanker

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spank    # noun: a slap with the flat of the hand
spank    # verb: to strike, especially on the buttocks, with the open hand

Early in our lives, many of us have been on the receiving end of "spanks", usually administered by an angry parent to correct our behavior. They were unwelcome at the time, yet somehow those experiences have become a burning interest that provides us with great pleasure. Do we really seek the ultimate intolerable pain that "corrects" our behavior so that we will really "never" do it again? Of course not.

We have become connoiseurs of sting and pain. We will go to incredible lengths for that "perfect spanking". The only problem is finding that "perfect spanker" who will give us the exact stimulation we demand without entangling us in unwanted power exchange games or wasting our time with role playing. We want it just so! We want it right now!

What is it that we really want?

We want to be as red and swollen as this with the least possible fuss and bother.

Why? Because we have learned how much fun it is to be this red and swollen and stinging!

Are you sitting on a bright red, engorged bottom that burns with the sting of a thousand ants? No? Why not? Isn't it long overdue? Wouldn't it put a very big smile on your face? Well, then...

As with many things, if you want it done right, you'd better do it yourself.

It's easy. It's fun. It can be a most satisfying expenditure of time that will leave your buns very red, very swollen and very tingling for several days. It is always good to set a goal for yourself. This is how far I would like to go if it is at all possible. Or perhaps this far...

So, put aside the oprobrium of "spank the monkey" and other put-downs, shed your clothing, grab a medium heavy hairbrush and stand facing away from a mirror that is just beyond the reach of the hairbrush.

Position - you heard me right: s t a n d! For the best of reasons: it is the least stressful position for your shoulder joint. Be good to your shoulder joint, it is one of your best friends. In the graphics below (the only ones I have seen in many years of surfing) you see quite clearly what not to do.

Far left: the young lady has the right warmup toy and she may have some fun for a while. But this is an awkward position which will soon make her shoulder sore. Soreness comes from damage to the joint which leads to scar tissue and aches and pains as you age. Avoid it. Try this position once for a very few strokes and compare it to the standing position. Well... it looks pretty, anyway.

Next, a pair of lovely red buns, which didn't get that way by hand spanking. The impact of your own hands on your buns is an interesting feeling - very "feely" - but the hand is not a good toy for self spanking. It requires velocity and strength to make a good impression. Velocity (speed): the second shoulder killer. Let Mother Gravity help with some of the work by using heavy implements.

Next, the ping-pong paddle sins on the side of lightness - also it spreads the impact over too wide an area - ok only for the very earliest stages of your warmup.

Far right. The martinet? Looking for paddle and cane marks, I had glossed over that pic for a long time before I realized that there was a spanko in crowded conditions using the quietest of the toys - the favorite of many an erotic spanker. Great tingling! However, there also goes a shoulder looking for trouble.

hairbrush hand light paddle martinet

Start right now , hairbrush in hand, tapping your buns softly to map, in your mind, the angle and position of your arm, elbow and wrist that allows you to reach well most parts of both cheeks. Use the mirror at first but don't rely on it. Don't be in a hurry, you'll be red and stinging soon enough. Learn your body. Raise the temperature of your cheeks gently.

Start with the "surround", the periphery of the gluteal muscles. Go around the centers and from time to time go across the very center of the muscles. The centers will be exquisitely sensitive at first, they always start out like that. Try to keep the same even touch as you move from periphery to center and you'll know exactly what I mean. Spank steadily and not very hard, about once a second or slightly faster for a minute or so. And stop.

Let your buns rest for 2 to 3 minutes and try it again. The periphery will not sting as much, and the centers, though still tender, will be closer in feeling to the surround. Again, 100 strokes or so (that takes less than 2 minutes) and rest for another 2 to 3 minutes. By the third such "round" you won't need me to tell you that you can spank with considerably more vigor.

Blotches - darker patches - may show up in the areas near the very top of the cheeks. They should have nothing to do with their proximity to the bone structure slightly further up because you should have learned by now not to go that far up. Not to worry, the rest of the cheeks will soon catch up to that depth of color. In a very few more rounds.

It is at this point (4 to 5 warmup rounds - 300 to 400 well paced spanks) that you start to see the trade off between how fast and how hard to go. Because, by now, your forearm may be getting tired and may start to cramp. "Kneading" - squeezing and holding pressure at the center of that muscle - can relieve cramping. Slow the pace. Increase the strength of the spanks. "Knead" as needed.

While you let your buns rest and the cramping in your forearm relax, let us take care of some necessary details:

1) noise abatement - you will probably be "exercising" in the privacy of your own bathroom where there is a good mirror. Whatever room you choose, it must be acoustically well insulated from any unwelcome ears. If you are using the bathroom and it has an enclosed bathtub/shower, drape blanketing or even medium weight rugging over the top of the sliding door frame so it hangs well down on both sides. Any heavy, woolly material that you can put in the way of doors will attenuate the sound. Beware of flimsy, acoustically "transparent" doors.

2) noise masking - play reasonably loud music in an adjacent room and hide behind the beat. Don't overdo it and get in trouble with the neighbors - you don't want them interrupting your exercising and it will be difficult to hear them if they come knocking at your door. Try putting your sound source inside the bathroom to test your "noise abatement" procedures.

3) guerrilla spanking - the more crowded your situation, the shorter your rounds should be so that you can always be "one excusable minute" away from answering the door. Don't spank completely nude. Wear "sweats", do some house cleaning or whatever that makes this dress appropriate. And every 3 to 4 minutes put in a good round. Combine with 2) to excuse delays in answering the door.

4) spanking wet if necessary - sometimes the initial tenderness of the cheeks is hard to overcome. Grab a waterproof implement, turn on the shower, practice so you don't hit the tiles or sliding doors and continue the fun. That is, if you can stop laughing at the claims that are made for the painful ordeal of being spanked wet. The water film cushions the spanks most delightfully, reduces the noise level dramatically and helps to increase the redness. However, don't do it for long or with too hot water. Just enough to get the warmup past the initial tenderness.

Warmup done - let's get serious - in the next 4 to 6 rounds you should be progressively dropping the count, until, by the time you reach 500 or 600, you are spanking only 25 to 30 times before you rest. But much, much harder. Hopefully as hard as your arm will allow with a medium hairbrush. That is, you could be raising the brush a good 2 feet before really bringing it down.

A good spanking is a marathon, not a sprint - from here on you will be fighting fatigue and cramping in your forearm. Fatigue is fought off by resting. Your buns will continue to loose sensitivity during the rest stops making the experience all the more pleasant. Don't feel bad if you need to wait for 5, even 10 minutes at a time. Cramping can be ameliorated by taking some magnesium (some!... don't exceed your daily requirement - ...). If in doubt, check Google for "severe nightime cramps"

Become the spanker - it takes self-discipline (heh heh heh) to deliver the strokes to the center of your buns with the same strength you can use on their periphery. You must become the spanker as well as the spankee. No mercy on those centers. Slow the pace. Increase the strength. Let the rest stops work their magic.

Experiment with different implements - moving away from lightweight, wide area implements (like ping-pong paddles) to heavier and narrower ones. Wide and light toys tend to make the surface too tender, too soon. Narrow and heavy toys "dig in" more and it is that "deep massage" that starts to "make the cake rise". The cheeks harden as they swell, making thick "pads" that allow higher and higher energy levels to be delivered to the cheeks.

The "cake" starts rising - somewhere near 700 strokes the hardening of the "pads" becomes more and more pronounced. It is at this stage that you (almost) "can do no wrong". Many different kinds of heavy hairbrush-type or flyswatter-type toys can be used to fan the raging fire.

Don't "dig under" too hard - as you continue to pour energy into your buns, it's easy to"dig under" too hard. A heavy flyswatter can deliver a delightfully stinging impact "up" at the bottom of the cheeks. But you are close to the hip bones at that point. Just like with the traditional "bend over - assume the position" stance of coach paddlings, you can give yourself some very unhealthy bone bruises this way. The soreness of bone bruises lasts much longer than the swelling and redness of skin and muscles. And it is not a good thing to do to your hinges.

Do try "bursts" - try spanking as hard as you can and as fast as you can until your arm gives up. You will loose accuracy and won't get much past a couple of dozen strokes. But the "burn" immediately after such a "burst" will be memorable.

Slow way down - and keep a tally. Your arm will only allow you 10 or 12 good strokes at a time now. Cover both cheeks as evenly as possible. Tally each group while you rest. Try for more than 100 truly hard spanks.

Study a master at work - this is a 6.1MB .FLV file. It is best played with the VLC Player, which you can get free, here. - This position is hard on her right shoulder and requires more exertion than the standing position. But the bent over position is more esthetically appealing. Remarkably accurate, hard repeats build color quickly. Pressed for time (the baby could need attention at any moment!), she serves us with a beautifully done "short and sweet" spanking to a satisfyingly deep red color. A tasty treat from a beautiful cook. Thank you, Sammy!

And if you were to find a partner - you would find that self spanking would be of great help because doing the warm-up yourself would spare their arm for the latter stages of the spanking. You will be surprised at the difference in feeling. The hardest self-administered spank is barely equal to a hard spank (not a really hard one, just reasonably hard) from a person whose arm is not constrained by having to reach behind them. Also, there is an apparent built-in limit to how hard you will spank yourself. As you gain experience in becoming the spanker as well as the spankee you will raise this limit considerably. Your partner should come to understand that interspersing your self administered spanks with his/her spanks is not an insult or a deficiency on their part. The inner "feel" is different, complementary and good.

The further you go in your search for swelling and redness, the more you may wish that you could somehow have the very narrow, high velocity impact of the cane with the control and the ease of delivery of the paddle or hairbrush. Long sessions with the cane yield a hard "cake". It might be accurate to say that it feels "crusty" or "crunchy". It isn't as thick or go as deep as the "cake" from a good paddle but it is certainly a very fine feeling.

Slowly, over many spankings, my mind, as many others, toyed with the idea of holes. But where the typical justification for holes in the spanking surface is to reduce the "air cushion" on impact, I started to look at holes as a way of reducing the impact area. Could you have the equivalent of a cane that is "topologically distorted" to become a hairbrush-paddle type of implement? Something like a rug beater, which has been used by many a spanko. But rattan isn't heavy enough when the velocity is limited by the health of your shoulder joint.

At low velocity you need small area and lots of weight. Well, now... how about one of these?